Writer: Gareth Goh

Writer Ratings:
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Cast: NA
Plot: NA
Effects: NA
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Hollywood has certainly outdone itself with this offering. As formulaic and cheesy and lame and irritating as "The Cave" looks on paper and in the trailers, one is still inclined to walk into the theatre expecting a reasonably entertaining, thoroughly B-grade hour and a half of entertainment.

One would come out rueing the hour and a half of his or her life just wasted.

The plot follows the discovery of a cavernous cave system beneath an ancient abbey deep in the forests of Romania. Naturally, dark and spooky spaces limited in oxygen and sunlight are appealing, and before you can say 'spelunking', our merry band of cave divers are diving headfirst into "The Cave".

It wouldn't be much of a B-grade action-thriller without some sort of life-threatening danger that takes out each member of the crew one at a time. "The Cave" has these monsters in spades, and while dodging these beasties, our intrepid explorers have to find a way out of the cave before their oxygen and food supplies run out.

Nothing is revealed about the team of divers except for the bare necessities. Jack (Cole Hauser) and Tyler (Eddie Cibrian) are brothers, with Jack being the experienced team leader and Tyler, the rebellious, headstrong, yet talented younger sibling. Buchanan (Morris Chestnut) is the trusty second-in-command. There is a computer guy, some sex appeal (Piper Perabo and Lena Headey), and the token Asian guy, a cameraman (Daniel Dae Kim). Other than these most basic of profiles, we know nothing else.

We know even less about the monsters lurking beneath the surface. Rarely are we able to get a full-on view of them, instead settling for uneven and jerky glimpses from a cameraman who must've worked on the "Blair Witch Project". These monsters are sometimes moles who pounce at your face, other times eels that drag you down beneath the water, and finally, giant bats with large, gaping jaws, a lion's body, and god knows what other animal body parts.

The cast reads like a who's who list of Hollywood's B-grade's finest. That's not a good thing. There is Hauser who rose to 'acclaim' portraying the bad guy in "2 Fast 2 Furious". There's Chestnut, who starred in the eerily similar (and almost as bad) "Anacondas 2: Hunt for the Blood Orchid". There's Perabo, who was supposed to be the next big (sexy) thing after "Coyote Ugly" but nose-dived after taking up starring roles in such stinkers as "Cheaper by the Dozen". An A-list cast this is not.

For a creature-feature, "The Cave" is far too messy and confusing for its own good. What are these monsters (and can we seem them, just once?)? What the hell is happening to Jack after he gets bitten? Is there romantic involvement between Tyler and the beautiful Katherine (Headley) beyond a few wayward glances? Why is there so much dissension within the team? Does anybody in the audience care when the characters die, in predictable order and fashion? When will this movie end?

Director Bruce Hunt has created a barely entertaining B-grade stinker in this one. This movie strives to succeed in similarly themed, mildly successful, lowbrow creature-thrillers such as "Anaconda". Instead, "The Cave" somehow is able to be even worse. Best to avoid this one.

Cinema Online, 23 September 2008